Well my day totally went un-according to plans, as usual! My boyfriend got mad cause I wouldn't let him borrow a couple bucks to buy beer. So he told me to drop him off at his grandpas and to call him when im "not acting like this". Well umm kinda hard when you don't have your phone connected honey. So I told him to call me since he was the one thats mad... Well no call yet and it's almost 11:00! Well that was a bad start to my day! Before all that happened, my mom wanted me to go to the fair with my brother and her. So since my boyfriend was being dumb I thought "Oh going to the fair should make my bad day a little more fun and I will forget about being sad." Well as soon as I get home she says that plans have changed and we are going to the fair tomorrow and so today they were going fishing with my moms friend and her son later on. Well that sure bursted my bubble! We also had plans to go to a family birthday party for a little bit until they were going to go fishing. So we went to the party (for little kids) and stayed there a couple hours. That wasn't the funnest time in the world. So the whole time I was pretty distant and just in thinking mode... On top of that my boyfriend still didn't call and I was wondering if it would still be light enough to go to the cemetery and do the special thing I picked out for Jesus. Well my mom never mentioned anything about him or that we should go since it's been 1 month! I didn't want to be a bother so I just kept my mouth shut. Then after the party we came home and they got ready to leave to go fishing. My mom asked me to go to Fleet Farm and pick up kitty litter and I agreed. Well, I get there and of course with my luck it's already closed! And it was only 9:30, I thought they closed at 10:00! Well that was a waste of a drive, a waste of gas, and a waste of my boring time! Ugh I was so pissed off. So I made my way to the cemetery in the dark. When I got there I went over to his grave and saw that they had finally put down the grass thing. I thought that was a nice little anniversary present for him. But where was mine?
It was dark, I was all alone with no fresh flowers for him and no balloons to set free for him. I just kneeled down and balled my eyes out. I promised him I would do something special and I didn't get to do that! On top of that I was the only one to visit him today, the only one to sing to him today and the only one that cried for him today. No one asked to go with me, no one suggested we should go, and no one came with me. I was all alone talking to a body in the ground that I will never get to hold, never get to watch grow up or say first words or take first steps or even see first smiles. I am just a BIG LONELY MESS today!! No one is here to comfort me. Where is my boyfriend when I need him the most? Where is my family when I need them? They are all out on this friday night probably having a great time, while I'm sitting here all alone writing this journal of my bad boring day with tears streaming down my face. When will the pain go away? It's not fair! I hate suffering! They say it's supposed to make you stronger. Well it sure as hell don't make me feel any stronger!
I want my baby back in my stomach where he is supposed to be! I would be in my 3rd trimester by now! I miss him soo much!
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