Thursday, August 20, 2009
Distant
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Tonight Sucks!!!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Motherhood Survey- Not really a "blog" but oh well! :)
1. WAS YOUR PREGNANCY PLANNED?
not at all
2. WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME?
nope
3. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS?
excited and scared
4. WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU?
no way!!!
5. HOW OLD WERE YOU?
21
6. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT?
didn't get a period for a whole month, sore breasts, i became an eating machine!!!
7. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST?
Adrian
8. DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX?
yes i couldn't wait!!!
9. DUE DATE?
11-9-2009
10. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS?
never
11. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE?
orange soda, anything sweet!
12. WHAT IRRITATED YOU?
everything!!!
13. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILD'S SEX?
boy!
14. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING?
nope I loved the idea of having a boy!!! :)
15. HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY?
15 lbs.
16. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER?
didn't get a chance to! :(
17. WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW?
...
18. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY?
NONE!!! ...except going into early labor with no known cause!! :(
19. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH?
united
20. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR?
no hours
21. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL?
the ambulance
22. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH?
Adrian and my mom
23. WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION?
natural
24. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN?
nope... there wasn't really any pain, it happened all so fast!
25. How much did your child weigh?
1 lb. 4.2 ounces
28. WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN?
7-14-2009
30. WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER?
Jesus Alejandro Giovanni Bauer
Monday, August 17, 2009
Definitely AF!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
AF or Implantation Bleeding? dum da dum... :-/
So it's been 4 weeks and 5 days since I lost Jesus.
I had my first doc appt. on the 12th. We talked about birth control and that I would be doing "The Patch". She asked if AF came yet and I said no. She asked if me and my BF have DTD and I said yes and that it was unprotected(I know, not that smart)... She said well since you have DTD, if you see any bleeding make sure your not prego before you start "The Patch"! Since sometimes you can have implantation bleeding and whatnot. She also discussed how it would be too early to get pregnant again for healing reasons.
My AF before pregnancy was always HEAVY and even started out that way. So with all that said, I noticed blood but it was very light. I was confused why it was so light so I went to the store and bought a pregnancy test "just in case". Well I took that and it said negative. (I was kinda disappointed, but knew it was best that I wasn't.)
But I was still wondering why it was so light cause that wasn't normal for me! I guess I will never know. Hmmm...
Friday, August 14, 2009
Jesus would be 1 month old today :( ...Just a little venting needs to be done...
Well my day totally went un-according to plans, as usual! My boyfriend got mad cause I wouldn't let him borrow a couple bucks to buy beer. So he told me to drop him off at his grandpas and to call him when im "not acting like this". Well umm kinda hard when you don't have your phone connected honey. So I told him to call me since he was the one thats mad... Well no call yet and it's almost 11:00! Well that was a bad start to my day! Before all that happened, my mom wanted me to go to the fair with my brother and her. So since my boyfriend was being dumb I thought "Oh going to the fair should make my bad day a little more fun and I will forget about being sad." Well as soon as I get home she says that plans have changed and we are going to the fair tomorrow and so today they were going fishing with my moms friend and her son later on. Well that sure bursted my bubble! We also had plans to go to a family birthday party for a little bit until they were going to go fishing. So we went to the party (for little kids) and stayed there a couple hours. That wasn't the funnest time in the world. So the whole time I was pretty distant and just in thinking mode... On top of that my boyfriend still didn't call and I was wondering if it would still be light enough to go to the cemetery and do the special thing I picked out for Jesus. Well my mom never mentioned anything about him or that we should go since it's been 1 month! I didn't want to be a bother so I just kept my mouth shut. Then after the party we came home and they got ready to leave to go fishing. My mom asked me to go to Fleet Farm and pick up kitty litter and I agreed. Well, I get there and of course with my luck it's already closed! And it was only 9:30, I thought they closed at 10:00! Well that was a waste of a drive, a waste of gas, and a waste of my boring time! Ugh I was so pissed off. So I made my way to the cemetery in the dark. When I got there I went over to his grave and saw that they had finally put down the grass thing. I thought that was a nice little anniversary present for him. But where was mine?
It was dark, I was all alone with no fresh flowers for him and no balloons to set free for him. I just kneeled down and balled my eyes out. I promised him I would do something special and I didn't get to do that! On top of that I was the only one to visit him today, the only one to sing to him today and the only one that cried for him today. No one asked to go with me, no one suggested we should go, and no one came with me. I was all alone talking to a body in the ground that I will never get to hold, never get to watch grow up or say first words or take first steps or even see first smiles. I am just a BIG LONELY MESS today!! No one is here to comfort me. Where is my boyfriend when I need him the most? Where is my family when I need them? They are all out on this friday night probably having a great time, while I'm sitting here all alone writing this journal of my bad boring day with tears streaming down my face. When will the pain go away? It's not fair! I hate suffering! They say it's supposed to make you stronger. Well it sure as hell don't make me feel any stronger!
Monday, August 3, 2009
Finally I wrote a poem for my angel baby...VERY LONG POEM!
Part 1
The test said “pregnant”
And I was shocked
“Could this be true?”
I sat and thought.
I told your daddy and
He was shocked too
He sat and thought
“What should we do?”
Abortion was NOT an option
Adoption would not do
We decided we would keep you
‘Cause your life mattered too!
I knew that I would love you
Right from the very start
Especially at the first ultrasound
When I saw that beating heart.
My belly kept on growing
And you kept growing too
I anticipated ultrasounds
To see how BIG you grew.
The cravings kept on coming
It’s like they would not stop
My favorite thing of all
Was my orange soda pop.
It was like a sonic boom
My belly just expanded
When you kicked inside my womb.
The blood tests came out negative
You were as healthy as can be
You got all of your nutrients
Because you were inside me.
I always had dreams that
You were a boy right from the start
It must have been mothers intuition
‘Cause I felt it in my heart.
The day of the “BIG” ultrasound
I was relieved just to see
Your little baby bottom
And also your little “wee-wee”.
As soon as I found out
That you were a boy
I went crazy shopping for blue
As I was filled with joy.
I went and bought
Everything that you would need
The cart filled up
With so much speed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part 2
The days were moving faster
A little past halfway pregnant I was
When something terrible happened
That made me stop and pause.
And they came real soon
I was put on the stretcher and was
Took to the hospital under the moon.
Once I was in the room for me
We waited for the doc
The nurse checked all my vitals
As I watched the hands on the clock.
His heartbeat was so normal
Why wouldn’t the bleeding stop?
They said it would all be fine
But I kept on worrying nonstop.
They gave me some kind of medicine
So labor wouldn’t start
It made me really irritated
It felt like I was falling apart.
Unexpectedly it happened
Without any warning
I went into labor with you
When you were just fine this morning!
It was all a big disaster
It happened all so fast
I didn’t even get to see you
When you had already passed.
You are our angel baby
We will always love you
I wish things had went differently
You were gone before we knew.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jesús Alejandro Giovanni Bauer
July 14th, 2009-July 14th, 2009
12:50pm-1:01pm
(c) Jessica Bauer
Thursday, July 16, 2009
R.I.P. Jesus Alejandro Giovanni Bauer: The whole story that I can remember of my loss.
I woke up at 5:00 in the morning on July 14th to go to the bathroom. My underwear felt wet and I thought maybe I peed my pants so I played it off. My stomach had a crampy feeling and when I went to wipe I saw the blood everywhere. I called my mom and woke up my borfriend and we called the ambulance. They came and we rushed to the hospital. As I was in the ambulance the medic said he had 2 cases like this in the past week and that i shouldn't worry cause bleeding doesn't always mean loss.
We got to the hospital and they took me straight to the birth center area. They did an ultrasound and my little boy looked so normal and healthy but I gues my cervix was opened 3cm but I was not dilated. They gave me meds to calm the contractions until they could figure everything out. They also gave me a steroid shot and put me on magnesium and put a catheder in so I could be on bedrest. My little guy was a kicker and I guess they said I had all that cramping cause he was kicking the catheder but the pain was soo unbearable and the magnesium made me burn inside and I kept moving and it hurt so bad! I had the urge to push and i tried not to but I felt something coming out and I guess I went into preterm labor. The next thing I know I feel a gush of fluid burst, my water broke! They rushed me into the delivery room. The doctor said push and I kept pushing and he was out. Then I heard them say his heart stopped and I couldnt stop crying but the doctor said push again and I did. It was all over and I remember the WHOLE DAMN SCARY thing!!! I cant get it out of my mind! It will haunt me forever!
Just earlier that day in the hospital bed he was kicking me but now there are no kicks just an empty pathetic stomach. I cant believe he is actually gone, it feels so unreal since he was just HEALTHY moments before the scary labor period happened!
All my family says he is with God now and I know that. But they also say that God had better plans and needs him up there. Well, I need him here with me! Its just not fair! Why can't I have my perfect baby??? Tell me why God! Why did you have to take my baby from me?
He just looked soo perfect and like he was sleeping and I was just waiting for him to wake up or move around or cry but nothing happened. He was just so lifeless laying there helpless.
RIP Jesus Alejandro Giovanni Bauer. Born July 14th, 2009 at 12:50pm. Died on July 14th, 2009 at 1:01pm. In my tummy for 23 weeks and 1 day and alive for just 11 minutes!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Had My Son at 23 WEEKS 1 DAY... :(
Monday, July 13, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
ITS A BOY!!! :) 20 WEEKS!
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Outside Movement Already?!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Letter to Jesus- 3-27-09(7 weeks 4 days prego)
Dear Baby,
When I found out I was pregnant with you I was both scared and very excited! :) The first person I decided to tell was your daddy, the second person was my best friend Priscilla and the third was your grandma. While I was early into my pregnancy with you I had a dream that you were a boy and you had your daddy's eyes! Your daddy also had a feeling you were going to be a boy and your grandma also had a feeling you were going to be a boy! Although you were not exactly planned and me and your daddy were not married, we were very happy and excited with the news! We were also very worried about how we would take care of you after you were born. You are actually the one that brought me and your daddy closer together! We love you inside my tummy and forever more!
Love,
Mommy <3